Father's Day

The house is quiet, only the sounds of my keyboard clicking as I type and the birds chirping and twittering outside the window. The kids are with their dad today, their longest day with him ever, from 8:30 this morning until 7:30 tonight.

I try not to be nervous, knowing it's such a long stretch for him and them. They have been used to the guy that got tired or frustrated after several minutes, and all three of them (ex and the kids) have begun to get used to several hour stretches. I just cringe knowing they won't get their naps, he has a tendency to remember to feed them after they are starving and melting down, my son will go 11 hours without nursing and he doesn't do well with cranky kids.

I try not to obsess over his tendency to forget sunscreen and focus on it being good that he gets this time with them.

I fight the urge to withdraw from my father and my dad (step) today, knowing my hesitancy today is all about withdrawal in general, not about them. If I could, I admit I'd skip it all today. I want to curl up in my bed with a book and some chocolate. I want to sleep, write, think and not think.

I don't want to cry today, but I know I will.

It was hard for me not to do Father's Day on the scale I always have. I didn't bake cookies for my ex, didn't cook him breakfast,didn't spend hours thinking about the perfect gift. My daughter decorated a shirt for her dad at school - one he will never wear - and we picked up The Daddy book by Todd Parr.

He won't see the attempt at kindness in the book. I just hope he enjoys reading it with his kids.

Sometimes, no matter how much I know my decision was the right one, it is hard to realize we had the last of something and didn't know it. this year will be a lot of firsts as a changed family....and it's hard sometimes, the realization that this is the first ___ in our new situation.