No honeymoon.

I've heard the spiel about the cycles of abuse many times. I knew what to look for, but didn't see it in my own relationship because one huge component was missing. He never, ever said he was sorry. Ever.

That was something I complained about to my friends, mentioning arguments - not the instances of abuse - when I said it was so frustrating he never apologized. When I realized that was consistently true, realized that even the abusers who did more physical damage than my husband ever did almost always apologized at some point, it was like a bucket of cold water being thrown in my face.

How did I miss that? How did it never occur to me until recently that he was so convinced what he was doing was okay that he never even said he was sorry? Not that sorry would have made it better, right or okay, but it might have at least shown some remorse. There simply was none, he felt justified in his actions.

I think he probably still does.

We had a beautiful honeymoon after our wedding, spending a week in Fiji. It was fantastic and we had a great time...except that he wanted to drink every night, and while we were in a beautiful resort with cheap drinks and no worries about driving, I'm just not that much of a drinker. Yes, I had coconut drinks there and enjoyed more than a few cocktails in a week's time, but not like he drank. On the nights I didn't feel well (I had an undiagnosed chronic illness) he was neither sympathetic or supportive, treating me as a party pooper and leaving me alone in the room while he hung out at the bar.

Even in that, no honeymoon, no attentive guy saying he was sorry. I feel like I've stepped out from a dark tunnel and I am suddenly blinded by the truth that was all around me that I failed to see.

Day one.

The decision to leave wasn't one I mulled over, nor did it occur on the worst day of the relationship.

I was standing in our bathroom, trying not to cry after spending the last 45 minutes doing just that as he screamed at me in front of our daughter. In that moment he pushed me, something so minor compared to other things he'd done that even now I have to fight the urge to say, "It was only a push, but..."

In that moment, the realization hit that choosing to stay would not only destroy me, it would send the message to our children that this is the way a man treats a woman, this is what you should expect from the man you love and it's okay.

It's absolutely not okay, for any reason.

This is my chronicle of starting over, reclaiming my life and moving forward.