No honeymoon.

I've heard the spiel about the cycles of abuse many times. I knew what to look for, but didn't see it in my own relationship because one huge component was missing. He never, ever said he was sorry. Ever.

That was something I complained about to my friends, mentioning arguments - not the instances of abuse - when I said it was so frustrating he never apologized. When I realized that was consistently true, realized that even the abusers who did more physical damage than my husband ever did almost always apologized at some point, it was like a bucket of cold water being thrown in my face.

How did I miss that? How did it never occur to me until recently that he was so convinced what he was doing was okay that he never even said he was sorry? Not that sorry would have made it better, right or okay, but it might have at least shown some remorse. There simply was none, he felt justified in his actions.

I think he probably still does.

We had a beautiful honeymoon after our wedding, spending a week in Fiji. It was fantastic and we had a great time...except that he wanted to drink every night, and while we were in a beautiful resort with cheap drinks and no worries about driving, I'm just not that much of a drinker. Yes, I had coconut drinks there and enjoyed more than a few cocktails in a week's time, but not like he drank. On the nights I didn't feel well (I had an undiagnosed chronic illness) he was neither sympathetic or supportive, treating me as a party pooper and leaving me alone in the room while he hung out at the bar.

Even in that, no honeymoon, no attentive guy saying he was sorry. I feel like I've stepped out from a dark tunnel and I am suddenly blinded by the truth that was all around me that I failed to see.